I will never write a blog! Nobody reads those anyways, unless you’re famous and then maybe a few people. Plus, I hate writing anyways! And who wants to spend more time in front of the computer!?!
At least that what I always told myself…
And yet, here I find myself, at 7 am on a Saturday morning, sitting down to start my first attempt at a blog entry. Why? Hmmm, well I’m not exactly sure, except I’ve been feeling drawn to it lately. Words have actually been going through my head during my meditation. I’ve been hearing feedback from far and wide, from people close to me and from those I don’t even know, that the little sharing I’ve been doing about my experience has been helpful for them, in some way.
And I can’t ignore the teachings of many that say if you just sit and write about something it will help get it out of your head, off of your chest, and into the universe where there is plenty of space to allow for those thoughts to just exist.
So therefore I sit and I put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keyboard.
My intention behind this blog is to capture the essence what I’m identifying as my midlife crisis, an “MLC” if you will. I know I’m not the only one who has gone through an MLC; likely the majority of people older than me have, even if they did not identify it as such. There are many books about the topic (several for men, which is interesting and another topic); however, I’m not feeling drawn to reading drawn out books, can’t seem to make it through a book anyways, and frankly, I’m trying to open to a new experience.
I also don’t want to talk about the physical changes that our bodies go through as we age and that I’m starting to feel. That can be a bit depressing and honestly it seems far less interesting to me than the mental, emotional, and spiritual changes that I’m noticing.
So I will share what I’m experiencing, from my own life and if this is every remotely useful to even a few people, then I guess that’s nice. Otherwise, I’m going to write until it doesn’t feel useful to me anymore. I draw guidance and inspiration from ancient yogic texts to modern day yogis, from 12-step wisdom to talk therapy – and so much more. Everyone is my teacher!
I’m a 42 year-old married woman and I think my midlife crisis started somewhere about a 1½ – 2 two years ago. Not with some precipitating event, but rather with a growing sense of dissatisfaction with my life. It seemed that I had achieved much of what I had set out to achieve career and family wise (other than that million dollar salary…probably shouldn’t have gone into the non-profit world.) and yet I wasn’t satisfied. I got to a place where I found myself asking “Is this it?” Is this what I have to work with for the next half of my life? Another 40+ years of this? That was (is) an unsettling feeling to say the least.
So then, I created new goals!
I became a certified yoga instructor and sought a different, more spiritual path, including re-committing to my meditation practice. I also dove into a new line of business sharing healthy chocolate. Two of my favorite things – yoga and chocolate! What’s not to love? And yet a couple years down the line I still am not where I want to be, at least it doesn’t feel like
I’m where I want to be, and of course I couldn’t give up the day job, so now I’m working three jobs, which means I’m really just dissatisfied AND exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I love both of my new endeavors, I’m just not sure that doing more is the best solution for me.
But that’s part of the issue – I’m not really sure I know what I want. I mean I really don’t know what I want for myself, other than a big fat long break…in full health, wealth, and happiness. Thoughts and ideas that I used to be so sure of pre-midlife crisis (I’ll call that PMLC) I really can’t find the same sense of stability around anymore. What seemed so right for me previously, doesn’t seem to resonate anymore. In some ways I simply don’t recognize myself these days and I really don’t have a sense of what will make me happy and fulfilled.
And so I write.
To keep this solution-oriented, I will share what I am trying to do to move through this experience with some semblance of grace. I am deeply committed to my meditation practice. I used to think that would make everything all better – now I understand it will just make me more present to everything that is happening. I am also doing my best to be open and transparent about what I’m feeling, to the extent that I feel safe sharing in different situations. The tremendous feedback I’ve been receiving when I share about my MLC encourages me to keep sharing – and so I write. I am also focus on staying true to my yoga asana practice, whatever that looks like, just keeping the practice itself going. It feels good to have some ritual and routine around that, although I find it important to be gentle on myself as well.
And I guess what I’m working most diligently at right now is just being present for what I am feeling. I’m trying very hard to be OK with doing less (this is a topic for another blog post, but it is important to put out there now) as a mechanism to be present. I am noting what I feel in my body. Not walking away from it. Allowing it to be and to take place in and through me. Sharing when I need to or get scared and then going back to being present for the experience. I think what I’m trying most to do is just walk through it.
And thus the name of this blog – “Walking Through It”
Thanks for listening and being a part of this first blog post.