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Who is the authentic me?

I feel like I should start this post:
“Dear Blog, I’m sorry I haven’t written more recently…”

It’s been a while since I’ve posted something because I want to share solutions, not problems; ideas for inspiration, not more mucky feelings.

But lately, that’s what I’ve got – that ever-present feeling of stuckedness. When will something big change in my life, or when the little changes will add up to something bigger.

I have had this overwhelming feeling that there is something dying to get out of me. I feel it in my chest – like it wants to explode. Whatever is in there is clawing to get out – either to escape or to express itself; I can’t tell which.

Yet I’m not sure what it is so I don’t know what to do. Is this feeling something that is no longer me, no longer authentic and so I need to change what I’m doing now to let it go? Is the feeling something that IS me and is slowly becoming more and more true and therefore I need to let it express itself?

The confusion makes this all the more frustrating, like I don’t even know myself.

Recently a yoga therapist and friend of mine (OK, my yoga therapist) told me that a mid-life crisis is like a “journey into authenticity”. I absolutely LOVE that idea and yet I’m still in that place of confusion where I really feel like I don’t know what is authentically me. And also how to figure that out.

Lately I’ve been finding inspiration in this Rumi poem, with which I will end.

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jelaluddin Rumi

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