So many things I’ve wanted to share and yet I still struggle with this idea of not wanting to put “icky-ness” out to the world so I don’t write. I’m still smack in the middle of this mid-life crisis thing and while I’m slowly coming to actually feel the transformative nature of the process, it still often feels like a crisis and doesn’t feel pleasant.
In my better moments I find myself trying to sit with and be with the feelings of unpleasantness and allow them to fully express – and then (hopefully) release or at least lesson. Sometimes it works. It does seem to be an ongoing process.
Other times I find myself in a complete state of perturbance (a word I learned from my yoga therapist). It feels like every cell of my body is screaming for change, bubbling over like they are trying to escape a pot that has reached the boiling point. The feeling of wanting complete and utter change, a metamorphosis, cries out from every part of my being.
It’s time like those when it feels like I literally can’t go on this way.
And then something changes – something minor or something major – and that gives me hope or at least a sense that yes, this is a transformation. And unlike the Incredible Hulk, I simply don’t change that fast.
So I try to trust the process again. And then I focus on what I’m doing that feels good and feels like it is going in the right direction. I then I think of all that has already changed. I try to lean into my closest friends, to open to vulnerability and share what I’m feeling and receive the loving support of these dear people.
And then I go to bed and work on waking up grateful for the new day in the morning.
This is what my MLC has felt like lately.
Yes, I’m still Walking Through It…