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I’m not sure exactly what to title this one, but it feels like coming back to this blog after a 10-month hiatus deserves some sort of special title…

I had no idea what would eventually lead me back to writing, to this blog that I had so intentionally started to “be present” for this mid-life crisis, but I guess that the right factors aligned and here I am again. Finally with the energy, a bit of spaciousness for creativity, and some sort of desire to do something.

It has been SUCH a long road this year – of feeling like my life was unmanageable and that things would never change. Of frustration. Of hopelessness. I did not want to write because I didn’t want to acknowledge all the shit I was feeling. It was too overwhelming and felt too damn icky. If I didn’t have anything illuminating to share with you, my dear reader, then why waste anyone’s time.

And I’m still not sure I have any major insights to share, other than the fact that I’m still here, surviving, and getting to new depths of feeling and experience in life. Muddling my way through new ways of being in the world, with new labels and experiences that continue to evolve my prior perspective.

Someone shared a thought on hopelessness with me last night – a new perspective that when we feel hopeless it’s actually a GOOD thing, because that way we stop hoping for something to change and we actually see we have to change it ourselves. Hmmm, so hopelessness can be empowering?!?… I give up the hope that the dishes will wash themselves and I realize I have to wash them myself. Hmmm. I’m still working on embracing this concept.

So great – bring on hopelessness. Bring on the depths so that there is some shift in perspective and some place to start to crawl out of. Bring on the true surrender that this engenders that can ultimately lead to a new place, a new direction, a new feeling. Or perhaps simply a return home.

In the meantime, I’ll share a quote I found online recently that feels about right, for today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

“If you want something you’ve never had, then you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.”